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Grieving the Loss of a Parent

When a parent dies, your world changes. You may be an adult now, but all your life you have also been your parent's child. The loss of that connection to your childhood and your past can be upsetting in ways that may surprise you.

Of course, every adult child's relationship with their parent is different, and every person processes emotions in different ways. Some deaths occur suddenly and come as a surprise, while others mark the end of a long illness or decline. There's no single path in reacting to the death of a parent. You might feel shock, sadness, relief, guilt, anger, regret, anxiety, numbness, or nothing at all. You might experience conflicting emotions in rapid cycles or slow waves. Your emotional reactions might be delayed as you work through the tasks that follow a death or as your memories of your parent slowly shift to earlier and happier times.

Whatever you feel and whenever you feel it, accept your reactions to your parent's death as normal and right for you. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and on your own schedule. Understand, too, that siblings and other family members may react in very different ways. Don't judge or criticize those differences. Be kind and forgiving to yourself and to others who share in your family's loss.

Immediately After Your Parent's Death

In the days immediately after a parent's death, it's common to have feelings of shock, disbelief, and profound sadness. You might feel emotionally numb, with no emotions, or you might have times when you cry uncontrollably. You might react to those feelings, or lack of feelings, by getting organized and taking action, or you might find yourself incapable of doing anything at all.

All of these are normal reactions to a significant loss. You might find yourself feeling and reacting in different ways throughout the day or when you're in different situations—when you're alone or with other people, for example.

Give yourself time to grieve. Take time off from work. Spend time with supportive friends and family members. Ask for help with daily tasks.

After the Initial Shock Has Passed

While the initial emotional blow of your loss may pass, be prepared for your grief to last. You may experience waves of intense emotions that hit you when you don't expect them months and even years in the future. That's not to say that the rawness and pain of your emotions won't subside. They will, and the waves of emotion will become less intense and get farther apart.

Over time, different feelings and emotions may emerge, subside, and resurface. These may include

• Anger—at your parent for being gone or for not being a better parent while alive; at the health care system or whoever you feel caused or allowed your parent's death; at siblings or other family members for not doing or feeling what you expect them to
• Guilt—over not spending more time with your parent or things you said but wish you hadn't
• Regret—that it's now too late to have a better relationship with your parent, or that your parent will miss future joys with you
• Profound sadness—over the finality and permanence of your loss and the gap it leaves in your life
• Physical pain—as though you've been punched in the stomach or your heart has been injured
• Relief—if your parent suffered in decline or if caring for your parent was a burden, even if that was a welcome burden
• Feeling lost or adrift—as the world goes on without noticing your loss, as if nothing has happened

While these feelings and emotions can be painful and confusing, especially as they change from hour to hour and day to day, they are all normal reactions to the death of a parent.

It's also normal to feel nothing at all when a parent dies. If your relationship had little emotional connection, there may not be much loss to grieve. If your parent had a long decline, with memory loss or incapacitating illness, you may have already done your grieving as you gradually lost the parent you once had.

Changing Identities and Relationships

People are social animals, and their identities are often shaped by the needs of those around them and the roles available to fill in a family or group. When a parent dies, these roles and identities can shift. Sometimes that can feel welcome, even liberating. Sometimes it can be unsettling.

Your own identity changes subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, when a parent dies:

• No matter how old you are, while your parent was alive you were still their child. When you were with them, your behavior may have slipped into old patterns. With your parent gone, those behavior patterns are no longer possible.
• If both of your parents are gone, you are now the older generation.
• These changes can be a shock to your sense of identity.

Family relationships can change, too, after the loss of a parent:

• If your other parent is still alive, you may find that your relationship changes as you both adjust your roles to fill the gap left by the parent who has died. You may need to adjust, too, if your parent begins a relationship with a new partner.
• Sibling relationships can also change. If your parent's presence held you together, you may drift apart. Tensions and resentments that had been kept in check while your parent was alive might surface now that your parent is gone. On the other hand, you may grow closer, providing each other with the support and comfort your parent once provided or perhaps wasn't able to provide.

Coping with the Loss

There's no magic formula to make your grief disappear, but there are ways you can help yourself process your loss and, over time, feel better:

• Share memories. Talk with others who knew your parent, and share stories and memories. It can be reassuring to realize that your parent's memory is still alive in you, and you may hear new stories that give you a better understanding of who they were. Share stories of your parent with your children or younger family members, too, who may not have known your parent when they were healthy and active. Even if your memories of your parent are negative, it can help to share them with a trusted friend or a therapist as a step in moving forward with your life.
• Let yourself feel the loss. Denying painful feelings may seem like a way to get past your loss, but strong emotions rarely just disappear. Let yourself feel the range of emotions that come with your loss. That might be easier at times when you're alone or with a close and trusted friend. Don't give yourself a time limit for grieving, either. Accept that you may feel the pain of your loss in different ways for a very long time.
• Let others comfort you. It's natural to want to be alone in your grief at times, but it can be healing to let others lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on. Accept offers of practical help—with meals, child care, or errands—and let people know what would be helpful. Let others keep you company, too, whether it's to hear stories of your parent, watch a movie, play a game, or just sit quietly together.
• Find ways to remember your parent. You might create an album of photographs or a box of special mementos. You might plant a tree in their honor or make a donation in their name. You might organize a gathering or post a memorial that others can contribute to.
• Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your health. Get the sleep you need. Eat healthy and satisfying foods. Stay active with a daily walk or other regular exercise. Spend time outdoors. Engage yourself in a hobby or an activity you enjoy, such as gardening, an art or craft, music, or reading.
• Plan ahead for holidays and anniversaries. Your parent's birthday, Mother's or Father's Day, the holidays you spent together, and the one-year anniversary of their death are all times when your parent's memory is likely to be at the surface and your emotions may be raw. Plan to spend those days with people who are close to you or in activities you enjoy. Some of those days might become times to get together with family in new traditions.
• Consider joining a grief support group. These offer a way to talk with people who have also experienced a loss and can make you feel less alone with your feelings. Online and local in-person grief support groups are easy to find with an online search or with help from your employee assistance program (EAP).
• Talk to a therapist. An expert counselor will listen to understand what you are feeling, teach you coping strategies, and help you deal with painful or complex emotions. A therapist can help you adjust to changing relationships in your family after your parent's death. The help of a therapist can be particularly valuable if your grief reactions are unusually strong, long lasting, and are interfering with your ability to move forward in life.