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Unacknowledged Grief: When You Feel Alone in Your Loss

When a close family member dies, grief is expected and supported. Grievers are often comforted with visits, consoling messages, and food. Religious and social rituals bring people together to mourn the loss.

For losses that are less direct, less visible, or perhaps tainted with stigma, support is less available and may not be offered at all. The pain of your loss is not acknowledged, and you may be left to bear your painful emotions alone.

What is unacknowledged grief?

Unacknowledged grief, which is also referred to as hidden, silent, or disenfranchised grief, is grief that is not validated, recognized, or supported by the people around you or society at large. Examples of losses that can go unacknowledged include

• The death of a loved one by suicide or drug overdose
• Miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, or an adoption that didn't go through
• The death of a friend or work colleague
• The death of a relative not considered "close enough" to warrant intense grief
• The death of a same-sex partner, especially if the relationship has not been openly recognized
• The death of a patient, for a medical professional
• The death of an ex-spouse or former partner
• Divorce or the end of a romantic relationship
• The death of a pet
• Loss from the changes in a loved one due to dementia or Alzheimer's
• Loss of a loved one to addiction
• Loss of a work community and your sense of stability following a layoff or restructuring
• Loss of a home or home country due to war or disaster
• Acts of violence against members of your community

How Unacknowledged Grief Can Affect You

Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one knows that the emotions of grief can be painful, unpredictable, and long-lasting. Grief can cycle through stages, with reactions that may include shock and disbelief, denial, anger, guilt, and sadness. Support from other people is often helpful when you are dealing with grief. Emotional support can help you feel less alone in your sorrow, and practical support can help when you don't have the energy or focus to take good care of yourself.

With unacknowledged grief, you may experience those same emotions. But without support or even recognition of the loss by others, you can feel alone as you try to cope. You may be told, or believe yourself, that you shouldn't feel as deeply as you do about the loss, that you should get over it and get on with your life. With these pressures not to grieve, or not to show grief, the emotions associated with the loss can be internalized or suppressed. This can lead to problems such as muscle tension and pain, trouble sleeping, trouble focusing, feelings of isolation, a loss of self-confidence, or depression.

Ways to Cope with Unacknowledged Grief

• Recognize that you're grieving. Even if no one else will acknowledge your loss, acknowledge it for yourself.
• Accept your feelings as valid. The emotions of grief can be intense and can swing wildly. You may feel sad, angry, guilty, hopeful, numb, anxious, lonely, and a range of other emotions. Your feelings may not make sense. They may conflict with each other. But they are real and valid. Give yourself permission to experience the emotions of your grief. Practicing mindfulness can help you recognize and accept your feelings. Writing about your feelings in a journal can also help.
• Allow yourself time. Grief takes time, and it doesn't follow a neat, linear course. You may feel better one day, then worse the next. Don't allow yourself to be hurried by other people's expectations.
• Find people who will understand. If the people around you don't understand or recognize your loss, find people who do. Seek out friends who are patient and willing to listen when you're ready to talk. Look for people who've experienced a similar loss. You might find them in an online community or a local support group.
• Take care of yourself. Eat healthy foods, get regular physical activity, and get plenty of rest. When you're feeling anxious, calm yourself with deep breathing or other relaxation techniques.
• Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. That might be time alone. It might be quiet time, without talking, with another person. It might be a distracting activity with a friend. It might be for someone to listen when you're ready to talk.
• Create your own ritual to mark your loss. That might be visiting a place that has special meaning to you, planting a tree, lighting a candle, writing a letter to say goodbye, or making an album of photographs and mementos. You might hold your own memorial, either by yourself or with a few trusted friends or family members.
• Seek professional support. If you're struggling to process your grief on your own, a professional counselor can help. A mental health or grief therapist can listen without judgment as you talk about your loss, help you recognize and express what you're feeling, and offer professional support and treatment if you're experiencing depression or other mental health concerns. Your employee assistance program offers easy-to-access telephone or video consultations with professional counselors and can refer you to a local counselor for longer-term support. Your GP/primary care doctor can also refer you to a professional counselor.